Horoscope Suggestions

My horoscope for this week offered the following suggestions. Thought I'd share them with you...

Don't make nasty comments about yourself behind your own back. (Uh, my ego would not allow this.)

Do eat ripe organic strawberries that have been genetically modified and irradiated, and do chain-smoke Marlboros as you peddle your exercise bicycle, and do wander through a garbage dump while listening to Mozart on your iPod.

Don't decorate your thigh with a sloppy tattoo of the devil pushing a lawn mower. (Uh, it wouldn't cross my mind)

Do wear a t-shirt that says, "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." (Can I just use my keychain?)

Don't glide into a bar, scout around for the person whose face has the most pain etched in it, and ask that person to come home with you. (What should I do instead of glide? Gallop? I've worked really hard on gliding!)

Do play soccer in bunny slippers at dawn in a supermarket parking lot with a gang of sadomasochistic stockbrokers who've promised to teach you the Balinese monkey chant. (Can you imagine me playing soccer?)

Don't get hooked on the fantasy that there are only two kinds of people, those who align themselves with the forces of light and those who align themselves with the forces of darkness. (A nice reminder ... wonder which one I am?)

Do start an organization called POMP (Proud Owners of Multiple Personalities), dedicated to erasing negative stereotypes about healthy non-schizophrenics who enjoy being a community of many different selves. (Sounds like the perfect name for my new cult ... anyone want to be a charter member?)

Don't lie on a floor surrounded by wine-stained poetry books, crumpled Matisse prints, abandoned underwear, and half-eaten bowls of corn flakes as you stare up at the ceiling with a mad gaze, muttering gibberish and waving your hands as if swatting away demons. (Okay, who was spying on me last Wednesday?)

Do run along the tops of cars during a traffic jam, escaping from bad guys as you make your way to a helicopter that takes you to a spot hovering over an erupting volcano, into which you drop the Buns of Steel video. (Um, yeah ... that'll happen ... Brady, we now have an idea to create your movie plot around)

Don't put your soul up for auction on the eBay website. (No one could afford it)

If you come upon a lamp with a genie in it, don't wish you had a magic wand. (this one is profound ... and a real lesson for me)